Here's how to use positive parenting, or Gentle Guidance, to raise an amazing, emotionally intelligent, child.
1. Positive parenting starts by creating a good relationship with your child, so that he responds to gentle guidance as opposed to threats and punishment. The most effective discipline strategy is having a close bond with your child. Kids who feel connected to their parents naturally want to please them.
2. Evaluate all teaching based on whether it strengthens or weakens your relationship with your child. Think Loving Guidance, not punishment. Punishment is destructive to your relationship with your child and ultimately creates more misbehavior. Loving guidance is setting limits and reinforcing expectations as necessary, but in an empathic way that helps the child focus on improving her behavior rather than on being angry at you.
3. Start all correction by reaffirming the connection. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.
Stoop down to her level and look her in the eye: "You are mad but no biting!"
Pick her up: "You wish you could play longer but it's time for bed."
Make loving eye contact: "You are so upset right now."
Put your hand on her shoulder: "You're scared to tell me about the cookie."
4. Don't hesitate to set limits as necessary, but set them with empathy. Of course you need to enforce your rules. But you can also acknowledge her perspective. When kids feel understood, they're more able to accept our limits.
"You’re very very mad and hurt, but we don’t bite. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
5. In any situation posing physical danger, intervene immediately to set limits, but simultaneously connect by empathizing. "The rule is no hitting, even though she made you really mad by teasing like that. Let's sit down and talk about this."
6. Defiance is always a relationship problem. If your child does not accept your direction ("I don't care what you say, you can't make me!"), it's always an indication that the relationship is not strong enough to support the teaching. This happens to all of us from time to time. At that point, stop and think about how to strengthen the relationship, not how to make the child "mind." Turning the situation into a power struggle will just deepen the rift between you.
7. Avoid Timeouts. They create more misbehavior. Timeouts, while infinitely better than hitting, are just another version of punishment by banishment and humiliation. They leave kids alone to manage their tangled-up emotions, so they undermine emotional intelligence. They erode, rather than strengthening, your relationship with your child. They set up a power struggle. And they only work while you're bigger. They're a more humane form of bullying than physical discipline.
result and a signal that you need to come up with another strategy.
9. What you think and feel is more important than what you say in how your child responds.Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart. Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit. "YES, it's time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!" Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.
10. How you treat your child is how she will learn to treat herself. If you're harsh with her, she'll be harsh with herself. If you're loving with her while firm about setting appropriate limits, she'll develop the ability to set firm but loving limits on her own behavior.