Who is having the discipline issues? Me or the daycare?

Question

My 3 1/2 year old has been going to the same daycare since he was 6 weeks. In the last year though he has gone through at least 3 teachers and it seems they are getting younger and younger and I am becoming less and less impressed with the attention and care my son is getting. Now, this week I got a rather alarming note saying the director wants to meet with me to discuss my sons increased behavioral issues and his inability to focus. I havent set up the meeting yet because I am trying to calm down, but from what I heard from his 19 year old teacher, he refuses timeout (temper tantrum) when he doesnt cooperate, so they just let him go off and do his own thing while the rest of the class participates in group circle time. At home any outlandish behavior is met with a swat or timeout in his room, so I dont get the "increased behavioral issues and his inability to focus" issues at home like the director is saying. But how do I advise a daycare on my kid refusing timeouts?

Answer 1

Is there anyway you can 'spy' on the daycare session? Or at least have someone else pop in to see what is really going on? Children many times act different with others, either worse or better. Sit down with your child and try to talk to him about it.. see if you can get anything out of him with that. Maybe she is being inconsitent or confusing. Some of these day care morons read those stupid parenting magazines and get all confused by the hyper-sensitive mumbo jumbo in it. Since she is younger, she may believe in all that crap.

Answer 2

If you're not happy with the daycare or teachers, definitely switch daycares. They do sound rather inept if their response to a kid who is causing trouble is to just let him wander around.



But if you're sticking with them, don't be too defensive about the "behavioral issues" comment. They're not saying you're a bad parent or he's a bad kid; they're just having trouble figuring out how to discipline him in the classroom. View it as an opportunity to give them needed advice. You could suggest that they give you a report on his behavior each day so you could discipline him at home (3 1/2 is probably old enough that the slight time delay wouldn't matter too much). You could also recommend something like a sticker chart for good behavior, which most daycares/preschools would have tried on their own initiative. You can also suggest that your child just be sent somewhere boring, like the director's office, for timeout. Explain how your timeouts work at home; maybe they can get some help from that, as well.

Answer 3

First it sounds like your son is a normal 3 year old. they test their limits! And of COURSE he is going to refuse a timeout - any kid would if given the option.



Definitely meet with the director. If you are not seeing this behavior at home, then the problem lies with how the daycare is handling it. Just explain your expectations to the director - that you expect a timeout to be enforced if your son misbehaves, and you expect them to have your son participate in the daily class routine. And talk to them about your concerns with the staff turnover and the qualifications of the staff.



Depending on how they respond, you may need to look for a new daycare unfortuneately. If you're not happy with their care, I would definitely look into others.

Answer 4

I know just how you feel. I went to my 3 1/2 y/os daycare 2 times yesterday and 3 times today...he doesn't listen, obey and hits the other kids and won't stay in the "thinking chair". At nap time he doesn't sleep and doesn't lay still. (that's why I had a third trip to daycare today) I'm going crazy trying to figure out what to do. I've done the time outs, take away toys, and spanking. I have not found a "perfect" discipline technique yet, but one doesn't exist and I haven't found what "works' for him. I have signed him up for play therapy and PCIT-Parent Child Interaction Therapy- and I hope it helps. I just have several weeks to go before we can start. One of my closest friends does the PCIT but in another county so she can't do it but being friends it would be unethical for her to be the therapist...anyway...I am hoping that one of these will work for my son. Maybe you should contact the health department and see if they offer PCIT. It was designed specifically for kids like ours...I've been very frustrated with the daycare and am thinking about switching but they are supposed to be the "best" in my town...He has had several new teachers, new owner/director, and I'm pregnant with our second child. I know that all of this has had an effect on him and he is not handling his emotions well. If you find anything that works let me know!! Good luck!!

Answer 5

remember when you were a child? You didn't always act the same way around your parents as you did around others. For me it's the opposite and mine is only 2. By the time a child is 3 he/she has a very good sense of self, and yours is almost four - he is fully aware that his behavior is wrong. It could be an attention issue, especially if he is the only child at home. Another thing I wanted to address is the time out. It may not be such a good idea to isolate him in his room. I suggest finding a corner or a step on the stair way. This way he is not completely by himself and he can see exactly what it is he is missing out on. Explain to him that Mommy is a grown up and he must listen and behave himself. These are methods that really work and can help him better translate his teacher's disciplinary action at daycare. Be cautious of the way you act toward his teacher(s) when he is around b/c he may be picking up on your bad vibe. Last but not least, just listen to the director. Express your concern(s) of the quality of your child's educator, just be sure that you have more than age to argue. Hope this helps.

Answer 6

I wouldn't swat at home... What this will do (if it is effective at home) is create other techniques outside of the home that are not effective. If he knows he doesn't get swatted anywhere but home, then he may continue the behavior elsewhere. Swatting, behaviorally, is not really a good idea.



If he is not responding to typical behavioral interventions at school, then "yes" it is your child or the environment in which he is raised. Did you ever think that you are modelling inappropriate behavior by hitting him. He is going to learn this behavior as accepted behavior-- even though it temporarily deters the behavior at home. You need to think long term and be able to generalize to other environments.



Not to be mean, but if he acts up and the other kids do respond well to time-outs, I think it is you... or maybe he has an inherant behaviorl issue (e.g., ADD).



I would first start doing something different iin your home (besides hitting him), and start teaching him appropriate behaviors... also reinforce appropriate behaviors, don't just punish bad ones.

Answer 7

If he does not act this way at home, then I would definitley bring that up. We know our children better than anyone. He might look at his 19 year old teacher as a child herself, and fugures, I don't have to listen to her. Children tend to respect older looking teachers, and people in those positions, so that could be why. If it just started happening with these new teachers, it very well could be the teacher. If he's refusing to go to time out, and they are just letting him off, they are not doing their job, so also bring that up! If the child is expressing different behaviors then he does when you have him, it's probably because he's seeing it somewhere, or he just doesn't like his teacher. Go ahead and make the appt, and in the meantime, document his behavior at home, write things down, so you can compare, and contrast with the daycare. Good Luck!!

Answer 8

have you ever tried a reward chart. Make a chart for a week--everytime he has a competent day he places a sticky label interior the chart. on the tip of the week he ought to get something small--matchbox, small toy, well known candy, and so on. Then perhaps he ought to artwork for something greater--If there is an entire month of stable stickers you may get that distinctive something, or go see a action picture, or out to dinner and so on. you will probable nonetheless have undesirable days, yet perhaps you will commence seeing greater greater efficient days. perhaps you have got the instructor put in a (?) green slip of paper for stable days, or a purple slip for undesirable days? additionally, is there a fashion so you might visual reveal unit the room without each and every person understanding. ought to you place something up with the director? It does look ordinary that a toddler that has been super in daycare for terribly just about 4 years is unexpectedly a habit undertaking. Has he got here upon a clean pal? Are they protecting him busy? Are the events too tricky for him? and so on. there is plenty to look at. stable luck.

Answer 9

I just have one thing to add: for everybody that wants you to switch daycares - wouldn't you want to know if your child is becoming a problem at daycare? don't you want to know the daycare providers concerns about it?

I personally think its GREAT that she is doing a one on one with you to discuss your son - that tells me she is trying to find a way to help him - not hurt him.

But, if you want to go ahead and switch daycares - you should do that - maybe you can find somebody that will let you son get away with anything.

Answer 10

He will have a hard time with all the inconsistency there and that does create bad behavior for them at the daycare. He needs a consistent environment.

Answer 11

OK first don't challenge authority in front of him,teach him to respect authority even if you know he is right. But ask them to try different things, like a timeout mat,etc. Tell him the consequences of his actions Like a swat when he gets home.

Answer 12

The school needs some way to enforce discipline. Spankings wre out in todays hyper sensitve world (althogh many of us thrived in a world where spanking was allowed.)



Your son needs to obey the rules and you need to back up the teachers.

Answer 13

It's time to change daycares!